Heart work is the hardest work

WOW. It’s been awhile since my last post so obviously a lot has happened.

We’re a month into 2016 and I’ve moved back in with my sister and Olaf, resigned from my job, and just got a new one yesterday.

And I also ran myself into the ground. AGAIN.

I vowed to never let this happen after the first time nearly ten years ago…but I know better than to never say never.

So this week, I find myself experiencing the aftermath of pushing myself beyond my limits. I feel exhausted, vulnerable, anxious, and a bit defeated.

Oh I also celebrated my 38th birthday which always comes with a check-in of life.

Still singlecheck.

Still figuring out what to do with my lifecheck.

With each day, I’m getting closer to each of these, though, right??

Given the first check-in above, it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship, so I find myself in relationships with the circumstances of my life. There was the one with medical school where I tried so hard, only to be rejected…

And this most recent relationship, with a job that I knew from day one would be a challenge, ended up just not working out no matter how hard I tried. I was fully committed, all in…and probably should’ve broken up with it months ago…but its redeeming qualities seemed to outweigh the bad…I felt supported by and loved my manager, and the same goes for all my  colleagues…but the job itself was killing me.

So on my final day I walked out the doors of the building and to my car with tears streaming down my face…and by the time I got into my car, I was full on bawling and nearly got hit by a big white truck before I even got out of the parking lot due to my tears!!

I hesitated to make eye contact with the other driver certain that he would have some curse words for me…instead, upon making eye contact, it was clear he noticed my distress and I could read his lips asking, “are you okay?”

To which, I nodded with even more tears, and pulled out  in front of him as he signaled me to go ahead.

The stress of the job took such a toll on me that you’d think I would feel such relief, but instead I was heartbroken…and to the very end, I needed the assurance that it was okay to leave…and not only was it okay to leave but I was loved all the same.

Oh and one other moment to note, after telling my manager of my official plans to resign, I ended our meeting with, “can I have a hug?” To which she kindly obliged.

So here I am…at 38…resigning from jobs and hugging it out after I do…definitely not what I imagined!!!

But it’s so my life…

And while the emotional and mental toll was more than I could bear, HIS GRACE…it was sufficient. It’s always sufficient.

When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. Romans 5:20-21 MSG

And without going into all the details, God gave me a new opportunity that I’m thrilled about and while it will have its challenges, I’m confident that based on our first couple of dates and what I learned from my previous relationship, we’re a good match.

My desire is for a long-term relationship…in more ways than one!!!

So the journey continues but also the journey of embracing the journey. This is my story…mine all mine, and it’s a really great one. Perfect, actually.

And when it comes to work, I’m becoming convinced that my greatest accomplishments are the work that is being done in my heart…and the source of my job satisfaction are the relationships I get to have.

And I’ve learned that when the going gets tough, the tough require lots of hugs and assurance to keep going…

I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
 Philippians 3:14

Pressing on…xo