I hate being evaluated, being watched. I detest it. I also do not like role-playing.
Role-playing isn’t natural, and being evaluated and watched makes it hard for me to be natural… to be free.
Last week, I began training for my job as a one-to-one English Teacher. And this may sound over-dramatic (probably is), but in the role-playing and evaluation portion, I felt like I was in a lion’s den. Seriously, the level of anxiety I felt was so intense and so horribly uncomfortable.
And what I’ve heard in times past was heard again, “Just relax, Michele. You’re too hard on yourself. You’re over-thinking.”
And maybe I am.
But I don’t know anything else.
At the same time, I’m embracing the ambition in me. I don’t want to reject it because it’s how He created me, to seek excellence in what I do and that’s not a bad thing.
What I’m finding is that in seeking excellence, I am seeking Him because I can’t do it on my own.
A short summary of my time in Japan: I can’t do ANYTHING on my own.
I have never been more aware of my need for Him in every aspect of my life as now.
When I’m at the grocery trying to make sense of things, when I’m in the midst of training for my new position trying to make sense of things, when my building manager stops me on my way out and goes on and on in Japanese and I’m trying to make sense of things…
I need Him… every hour I need Him.
During training, we were advised on several topics that should not be discussed during lessons. And age was one with the disclaimer of how especially sensitive this topic can be regarding women…
According to Wikipedia: In Japan, women had traditionally been expected to marry at a young age and those who were unmarried after the age of 25 were sometimes scornfully referred to as Christmas cakes (unsold after the 25th).
So shortly after realizing I was a Christmas cake, I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror to see a gray hair sticking out plain as day.
It was actually quite funny to me… so I hope you are laughing about it, too.
And the bottom line is that I so want to be a strong and patient little Christmas cake.
But I’m not going to lie. It’s been really hard lately.
And this one I don’t even attempt to make sense of…
In this case, I rest. I rest in His goodness. I rest in what my Father spoke to me months ago in Mozambique as I tried to make sense of it:
I’m not holding out on you. I’m just not ready to share you… I am jealous for you.
Oh Jesus, thank you. I need you. Every second of every day. I need you.
“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
Matthew 6:6 MSG