Decisions, Decisions…

Seven years ago, I stepped out in faith leaving an incredibly lucrative position in pharmaceutical sales to pursue my desire to become a physician. And in doing so, I lost EVERYTHING. I’m telling you everything… my wonderful home, my 401k (which was looking pretty nice), my great credit… not to mention, I was so focused on this goal that I’m not sure I made time and space available in my life to “meet someone.” And may I also note that I had zero debt prior to this pursuit, and now I’m carrying around a good chunk of it in student loans and to my folks.

At the beginning of this year, I finally let go of all aspirations of a career in the medical field and I stepped out in faith with an open heart fully surrendered to whatever God had for me…

And He has blown me away.

The last seven years included rejection after rejection… and just when I thought it was over, came another… but in just five months He has blown my mind with acceptance after acceptance… and just when I think it’s too good to be true, another…

And the cry of my heart has been stability. In a relationship, in a home, in a career… something… anything.

And on the same note, I’ve felt the burden to restore all that I’ve lost and eradicate my financial debt… after all, that is the responsible thing to do, right? And I believe I am an incredibly responsible person…

But when the opportunity for stability and responsibility presented itself just a few weeks ago working as a Graduate Admissions Manager for the Daniels College of Business at the University of Denver, I begrudgingly accepted.

Because there is another cry of my heart that has been buried deep but has been surfacing… one of adventure and risk…

And literally within 24 hours of my grumbling turning to joy, God blew me away with an acceptance to the Harvest School of Missions. I was floored and though I had wanted this so bad, the confusion with my recent change of heart and having let go of the possibility stifled my excitement and joy.

I had two wonderful opportunities to choose from and am grateful for friends who believed and prayed that both would work out in my favor. But it came down to one and I wish I was sharing this with sheer joy and excitement that I am headed to Mozambique, Africa in October to attend the Harvest School of Missions… I so want to be bursting forth with joy…

But the part of me that desperately wants comfort and stability and security… to do the most responsible thing… to do what makes sense… is screaming loud and clear…

Not to mention that with the decision I’ve made comes a new level of faith that I’m learning is so much easier said than done… and part of that includes standing firm in it in spite of the lack of support from some of those dearest to me…

And I confess that the decision I’ve made doesn’t make sense in my head… but my heart knows, it knows…

I KNOW I am following my heart, which only means one thing… I am following HIM.

And while it doesn’t make sense, I know that the one thing in my life that makes the most sense is Jesus and His unending, unconditional love for me.

So the decision to follow Him and fall deeper into His love is the right one… Every. Single. Time.

The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.  –Blaise Pascal

This was on my place setting one evening for dinner while visiting my bestfriend Leah and her family. Sweet Kate, her six-year old daughter, drew a picture for each of us. But what was super special for me… I was the only to receive a heart next to my name. ;)
From my journal on 7-6-11.
Habakkuk 2
The Message
1 What’s God going to say to my questions? I’m braced for the worst. I’ll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon.
I’ll wait to see what God says,
how he’ll answer my complaint.
2-3And then God answered: “Write this.
Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters
so that it can be read on the run.
This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what’s coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
And it doesn’t lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It’s on its way. It will come right on time.

 

What is He saying?

So much to write, not sure where to begin… I’m chuckling inside thinking about how the seemingly important things in life are just not what I feel most compelled to share. That is, the update on work, where I’ll live, etc. Actually, I am going to share a little but it’s so secondary…

Since my last update, I learned from that particular Apple Store that they were not interested in moving forward with me. I knew it wasn’t a good fit and I admit, the old me would have wanted their approval… dare I say, needed it?! I’m pleased to say that this approval-seeking girl is becoming all grown up!!

And then, I heard from the University of Denver… they did want me!!! BUT, this bratty little girl has had her mind on missions school that she couldn’t be immediately grateful and overjoyed by this opportunity!! Oh Lord, have mercy! And of course, He does… He loves me in my grumbling and even sustains me in the midst of it (Exodus 16).

A few days ago I had a lunch date with a dear and beautiful friend who I’ve met since moving to Colorado and we shamefully admitted our Israelite ways. And she also shared a story of becoming reacquainted with someone by asking, “What is God speaking to your heart these days?”

So in my quality time (because this is hands down my love language) with Jesus this morning, I want to let you in on our dialogue…

Me: What are you saying to me, Lord?

Him: Fear not, for I have redeemed  you; I have called you by name, you are mine… Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you… (Isaiah 43: 1,4)

Me: Thank you that you are my Father who delights in me and approves of me.

Him: I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as Lord. (Hosea 2:19-20)

Me: Thank you for being my Husband who provides and loves me unconditionally.

Him: O barren one, you who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who did not travail with child! For the [spiritual] children of the desolate one will be more than the children of the married wife… (Isaiah 54:1)

Me: Thank you for making me a mother.

When I decided to follow Him to Colorado, I felt a lot like Abraham responding to the call to simply, “Go.” And I came not knowing exactly where or what. And along the way, I have begun to jump ahead anticipating where He is taking me, placing trust in my expectations and hoping in what I feel is best.

And in times like this, I always hear Him say, My thoughts are completely different from yours… And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8)

This morning He also reminded me that, In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)

God called me to Colorado and I came unsure of just where I would land… I thought it was Colorado Springs and recently I was sure it was Boulder (and to put it all out there, I have started to believe it was just transition on the way to Mozambique, Africa!). And I have been sitting in Psalms 107 since the end of last year and verses 4-7 say this:

Some wandered in the desert, lost and homeless. Hungry and thirsty, they nearly died. “Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble, and He rescued them from their distress. He led them straight to safety, to a city where they could live.

While I have enjoyed my time in Denver, it was never where I thought He would have me… and I still hesitate to fully settle in. I’m not sure why but I continue to take things one day at a time, trusting that His ways are so much higher…

And so my response to all of this?

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21)

My Hubs.

All this new lingo I’m learning! perf = perfect adorbs=adorable. In recent workplace conversation, the acronyms “btw and p.s.” were often used. I really need to get hip to the scene. But this morning, I confess, I like hubs=husband. And come to think of it, has this been around for awhile?? Of course, with my status, I just haven’t had much use for it so it’s new for me. But for some reason, as of lately, I’ve been using it often in text messages… referencing the ‘hubs’ of my friends.

This week, I helped my friend, Jules, since her hubs was out of town for work. She has a precious 3-week old peanut with the fine name of Shepard Brooks. And then there’s my little buddy, Joshua River (fabulous, strong names, huh?)

Joshua is 21 months and has been having difficulty as of lately sleeping through the night, so I cared for him during the wee hours, while Jules nursed Shepard throughout the night.

And after three nights of that, I am spent!! And I didn’t even do that much!!! Lord, help me when my time comes!

Jules’ hubs returned home last night and so did I. And now this morning, I am feeling tired. And with that tiredness, oftentimes, comes self-pity. boooooo. Why don’t I have a job? What am I doing here? Should I go back to Arizona? Where am I going to live come July? Why am I still single? When do I get to have a family? And the best, what did I do to deserve this????

Yet, in His perfect mercy and love He ministered to me this morning. I opened Facebook and saw this image created by my dear, precious, special friend:

And I remember a conversation with a friend earlier this week. She reminded me, “I’m spoken for.”

And this scripture has been on my heart for the last week or so:

For your Maker is your husband–the LORD Almighty is his name–the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. -Isaiah 54:5

I have not had much traction on the job front. Yet, I’ve seen this time as a perfect opportunity to volunteer. And if you’ve read my very first blog post, Ideal Job, I believe God is giving me the desires of my heart. Because that is so like Him. And that is exactly what I deserve.

Because, yes, He is my Husband. And while I don’t know the answers and reasons for all the questions that swirled through my brain during my moment of self-pity an hour or so ago, I do know this: He is my source for all things under the sun. And this I can rest in, this I can be certain of.

I want to set the world on fire…

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” -St. Catherine of Siena

I just came across this quote, and I LOVE it. It speaks to the fire burning in me. A fire that can’t be quenched, but it also seems a fire that might be burning me up (Jeremiah 20:9)!! eeks…

I know that God has placed treasures in my heart that are from His very heart to mine, and to noone else has He given such jewels (Isaiah 62:3).

And while His love is so intensely burning in my heart… my head is so hot from all the spinning and spinning, that I truly feel I could explode (or implode!) at any moment!!!

Thank you, Jesus, that you are all I truly have and all I ever need. You are mine and I am yours (Song of Solomon 2:16).

I love this reminder hanging in my house. And I love that I find Him in my heart, and not in my head (Jeremiah 29:13).

And I have so much to update you on… and the purpose of this blog could not be more true. The exploration continues on uncovering the jewels in my heart and sharing these treasures with the world (2 Corinthians 4:7). After just a little over a month in the initial job I took, I realized that it wasn’t a good fit for me so my last day was last Friday.

And the second purpose of this blog, please know that the waiting continues… and is maintaining the turtle’s pace that it started at!

But just to recap all the love and goodness that went down last week:

1. Stayed true to who God has made me to be

2. Because of this, I was blessed with a month’s worth of pay!

3. Two dear, dear friends from Scottsdale were in town

4. Had three date nights! And just so you know, my definition of date night is any time spent one-on-one with a friend…

5. Woke up one morning with a special love note waiting at my door. Again, don’t be misled… to me, a love note is just that, a note full of love, and this one came from one of my sweet roomies

6. Received so many hugs that my heart was ready to explode out of my chest!

So, my heart is full… and sadly, so is my head!! But I’m focusing on living from my heart and I’m pretty certain that as I do… firefighters will be called on the scene wherever I go!!! And that just might not be so bad!!!

Love you guys and thanks for journeying with me!!

Debbie Downer

For starters, no offenses to the Debbies of the world…

I actually have one in mind who definitely doesn’t fit this description!

And it’s not that I’m feeling totally down, but it has been a LONG week, I’m tired and I’m about to wrap up all things in Scottsdale starting today and make this move official and final. So, I’m just feeling all kinds of feelings right now.

And I love that I just posted a picture on Facebook of me for one, not looking so great, for two, not smiling! I feel like I’m only to share the joyful me for all to see. But in keeping it real, there are other sides to me!

Oftentimes, I can’t really pinpoint what I’m feeling. This morning, confusion is what I’ll call it. And I’ll say I don’t doubt for one second my move to Colorado. I LOVE it there and my heart is at peace.

But… it’s definitely peace amidst some challenges. And let’s just say, not how I imagined things to be!

The job I took? It is streeeetching me emotionally and mentally. I’m working for a technology start-up. We’re developing a platform for smart phones that at the end of the day should help people have richer, healthier relationships. It’s cutting edge, it’s a great cause… I’ve been hired to help with the Customer Care aspect of it all.

But, there’s not a lot of structure (which I thrive in) and the hours have been longer than I anticipated (which I’m complaining about an area I probably need to establish more boundaries in!). It’s like learning a whole new language for me, so imagine not really understanding much of what is being discussed on a day to day basis. And, I’m being asked to do work that I know isn’t an area of strength for me.

But then, I get to dress super casual and dogs are running around the office, and I can take a break and walk right outside the office building and grab a coffee or whatever I feel like eating at all the great places within a five minute walk. And the mountains are always in the background. And the people are really great and make me laugh…

Oh, and this week, I moved into a super cool house in Denver. It’s over 100 years old with lots of character. And whenever I share the location with anyone, so far they’ve each responded with how much I will love the area! So, it’s a great one… but it’s a four bedroom with two bathrooms, and limited hot water supply. So I have to coordinate with my other roommates each night the shower schedule and I’m moving my toiletries from one place to the next… and did I mention the 40-minute commute to work?

But, the three women I live with are AMAZING and have sweet, sweet hearts.

So why can’t I focus on all the good and leave out the bad?

Grateful today that God’s grace is enough. And grateful that I’m loved even when I know I have so much to be grateful for and I’m feeling the way I do.

And I hate whining and complaining… but I’m doing it here, anyway, for all to see.

Thanks, God, for loving the ‘Debbie Downer’ in me.

Image
Facebook picture.

Me+Mountains=Love

Before making the move to Colorado, on every visit, I just knew in my heart that there was something special about this place. And I’m so grateful that I’m here and I get to experience the beauty it offers on a daily basis.

In fact, I’m writing this from Whole Foods, where I get this view:

Truly, what did I do to deserve this? Nothing at all. sigh… God just loves me that much.

Before arriving here to have some lunch, I sat poolside at my friend’s athletic club, where I met a precious woman named Helena. She shared how grateful she was for the view (similar to the one I’m facing here) and the blue skies.

Since I’ve been here for just over three weeks, I’m awestruck every time I look at the mountains, but Helena was originally from the Czech Republic and has been living here for thirty years! Oh that the wonder of the mountains would never fade for me…

And so today, I’m incredibly grateful for the majestic mountains, the beautiful blue skies, and the strong sunshine… and to top it off…

I’m grateful for the new job I’m starting tomorrow in Boulder! I look forward to sharing more about this exciting opportunity, but for now, know that I’m employed!

I must admit, I was giving myself about three months to land a job before looking for a coffee shop willing to employ me! Instead, three weeks… and did I mention, I actually had two job offers?

Truly, what did I do to deserve this? Nothing at all… sigh. God just loves me that much.

Yeah I’m the Wanderer…

Yeah, the Wanderer

I roam around, around, around…

Ok, this song is totally in my head right now because it’s sooooo me! Well, kinda sorta… minus the part about being a ladies’ man!

It is Thursday afternoon and here I am, at some coffee shop I stumbled upon in Denver for a pit stop as I’m driving through from ‘the Springs’ (look at me, using the local lingo!) to Boulder today… because, I can do that!

So we’re just past the hump day and I’ve slept in three different beds this week… hold on, like I said, the Wanderer song doesn’t fully apply here! Let me explain…

First couple of nights were spent in Boulder with my dear friend Jules and her family. This is where I have been since arriving to Colorado and it has been great!

Then, on Tuesday I was off to the Springs for a job interview and was invited to stay the night at an awesome family’s home there in order to be spared the  four hours it would take to drive there and back in one day! Seriously, it pays to know awesome people who know other awesome people. I was connected to this family through a friend in Scottsdale. They were also the reason I scored the interview, and then, to top it off, they fed me dinner, let me watch the latest Voice episode, and gave me a comfy, warm room to lay my head! And did I mention they double as a virtual tour guide?!

They provided me with a mapquest link of about eight different places to visit (also in the email was personal insight noted with each location) to give me a feel for the city! And so off I went, wandering around! Again, taking a pit stop in a local coffee shop where I got online and discovered a Holy Yoga class taking place this morning and decided to reach out to the instructor via Facebook and introduce myself. Well, wouldn’t you know… that turned into a phone call and another invite from a ‘stranger’ for a nice place to stay for the night.

So I had a yummy Mediterranean meal from a pseudo-fast food spot called Garbanzo (great name, huh?) and decided to take my new friend up on her offer. Of course, she was amazing and so was her family, and I attended her incredible Holy Yoga class (live music and all!) before hitting the road back to Boulder.

Seriously, am I so very blessed or what? I could get used to this wandering life…

PS. The job interview went really great!

PSS. While on a tour of the Olympic Training Center, I believe I may have been hit on by a military man. I guess after ten years, it’s hard to tell. Or maybe, that’s why I’m still single!! Unfortunately, he seemed to be a bit old for me and not really my type (whatever that is!), but I let him know how grateful I was for his service!

PSSS. I did meet another male named Murphy who I got pretty close and personal with…

Ideal Job

I can’t believe I didn’t start blogging two weeks ago! So much has happened in the last two weeks that I wish I would’ve started documenting this journey then.

One thing I have to share is this dialogue which took place during an interview:

Interviewer: If you could describe your ideal job, what would that look like?

Me: I would be married and volunteer.

I am NOT KIDDING. These were the words that swiftly flowed out of my mouth, and the interviewer, who happened to be a really cool gal and I had wished would be my new Colorado best friend (probably why I kept it so real!) was so gracious that she just rolled with it and continued her questions from there. And would you believe it wasn’t even until I sat in the coffee shop doing my post-interview assessment that it actually occurred to me that I said this?!? I suppose that if they’re looking for someone honest to fill the position, then I’m their gal!

Sidenote: They have contacted me since to say they are interested in meeting with me further so it appears they appreciated my honesty… stay tuned.