Earlier this week I had an unexpected conversation with my Mom that included questions and statements I assumed she might be thinking but chose to hope for the best. In this case, the good ol’ saying didn’t apply and my lack of not assuming made an ass out of me.
The following day, I opened a Facebook message from a friend I made some years ago who popped back into my life about a month ago, only to quickly pop back out. Before de-friending me on Facebook, he sent me this:
“How far we travel, only to find we have not moved at all. Good bye michele, I hope you find what your looking for.”
One is a friend I had during a season of my life and one is who gave me life. Two completely different relationships, but the judgement I felt was the same…
I know my life doesn’t make sense, and I know that most people don’t get me. So I’m grateful for the ones in my life who do and I’m also grateful for the ones who don’t but keep their questions and opinions to themselves.
While some may think I’m looking for something and others may think I’m acting foolishly and irresponsibly, it is neither.
And I can say this because I know what it’s like to be searching and behaving irresponsibly.
Eleven years ago, I broke up with my college boyfriend in order to experience life on my own. Freedom came in the form of going out on the weekends and drinking until I lost all inhibition, which often led to really poor choices…
This time ten years ago, I was signing the papers on my first home. I had achieved the American dream and the financial success I hoped for as I was making nearly $100,000 and enjoying perks like a company car.
But when that wasn’t enough, I pursued my dream of being a doctor and gave it all of me: financially, emotionally, and physically. And it got all of me… but I was left empty-handed.
Emptiness is what characterized all of this. I was so empty inside. Indeed, I was searching…
And indeed, He was there.
He was ALWAYS there.
And I always knew about Him. I believed in Him. I never stopped going to church on Sunday and if I remembered I would pray before going to bed.
Boy was I missing out…
Along the way, a shift began to take place. A shift from knowing and believing in Him to experiencing life with Him.
And things have never ever been the same…
You could say I found what I was looking for… but it was more simple, I just had to open my eyes to what was in my midst the whole time… better yet, Who was in my midst.
Because He was there. He was ALWAYS there.
Those nights when I lost all inhibition and made really foolish decisions… His back wasn’t turned, He was there.
When I was quickly advancing in my career in pharmaceutical sales, yet feeling unfulfilled and looking for the next best thing, He was there.
And when my eyes began to open, I was thrilled to serve Him by being a doctor… becoming a doctor would be pleasing to God, my parents and others! This was a no-brainer…
Yet in the end, I lost my house, I lost my 401k, I lost a lot of time… and I didn’t get into medical school.
But what I gained in return was everything.
He is everything to me.
And He’s showing me that I don’t have to do anything for Him. I don’t have to please or serve Him, or anyone for that matter.
I don’t have to do anything but be loved by Him.
And the by-product of that is what you see. It’s me. It’s my life.
I may seem lost, foolish, and/or searching. And given my history, my life as it stands is par for the course.
So judge me if you must, and know it will hurt my feelings if you do it to my face… and like a little baby I’ll go crying to my Father for comfort, because He’s always waiting and ready to receive me.
He was there then. He is here now. He promises to never leave me. And His Son has already done everything for me.
And when you’re as sensitive and needy as me, any fear of heights or depths is trumped by love and the desire to be with Him… wherever that may be…
‘I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.’ –Four-Chambered Heart, Anais Nin