Tomorrow I’m off to Pemba, Mozambique for nine weeks. And never in a million years would I have dreamed I would be headed to Africa for missions school.
When you truly surrender your life to Jesus, you just never know what to expect. And I’m living proof.
As I packed all my belongings for storage, I wondered how on earth I could have so much stuff, all of which fits in my Blazer. I chuckle at the fact that all of my stuff once occupied a 2,200sqft home.
And as I go all by my lonesome, what comes to mind is when I broke up with the last boyfriend I had (ten years ago) with an explanation that went something along the lines of, “I just need some time on my own for awhile…”
To think that at the age of 27, I was debt-free (excluding my mortgage) with rock star credit and feeling pretty proud of the $40,000 I had in my 401k. Now I’ve got a significant amount of debt, a non-existent 401k and my credit took a big hit a couple years back when I had to short sale my home.
I imagined that I would be married with a family, overly comfortable financially and settled…
Instead, I am single with no children, relying on others for financial support and living out of my car.
It’s all pretty humbling and needless to say, my life at 34 years old is just not what I imagined… Not. At. All.
But the beauty is it is so much better than I ever could have imagined.
Along the way, I experienced the depths of Jesus’ love for me. And I have never been the same.
He has changed me in ways I can’t fully articulate, but I am different. I am completely different.
I know I am loved beyond all measure no matter what I do or don’t do. And that has changed EVERYTHING.
There’s such freedom in love.
And I’m here to say that as I get ready to head out, there’s still parts of the old me. The old me that feels she has to “make the grade” at missions school. The old me that needs to know what is to come when the nine weeks is up. The old me that is terrified of failure. The old me that can be completely debilitated by her concern with what others think. The old me that feels like no matter what, she’ll never measure up.
Sometimes I don’t experience the freedom there is in love.
But that’s ok because it doesn’t change anything. I am loved always and forever.
And so are you.
We love, because He first loved us. -1 John 4:19