I wanted to be a doctor because I had this amazing uncle who was a general surgeon. And not only was he highly gifted in his trade, he was a man of integrity and incredibly charismatic. And generous. So generous. I wanted to impact people in my professional and personal life as he did. I wanted to give like he gave.
((Enter my cultural background))
I’m so often asked, “Where are you from?”
I reply, “Ohio.”
They ask again, “No, where are you from?”
I smugly (yes, I confess) reply, “Well, my parents are from the Philippines.”
That said, I have AMAZING parents. They sacrificed so much for me. They set out to start and raise a family in the United States… the land of opportunity.
They had high hopes for me. And true to our culture, I wanted to be able to provide for them financially at this point in my life.
But, that’s just not the case. And the shame around that is surfacing as I move forward… as a missionary.
Oh my. I said it. I’ve put it to paper. I am about to embark on a journey that will require me to fully depend on God for everything like never before, and this includes my finances.
It’s hard enough for me to ask for a ride to the airport… what more of money???
I’ve been dragging my feet on raising support, which was was never part of my plan.
I planned to use the severance pay I was blessed with a few months back to cover my tuition and the rest of my expenses would come from my savings…
Because depleting my savings is far better than asking for help on this journey… right?!?
WRONG. I’m sooooo wrong and so very humbled in recognizing my need. I cannot do this alone. I just can’t… nor am I supposed to. That’s not His desire for me.
And I have this reminder in my Bible of His provision. This $20 bill was given to me by a woman named Rosie who I met while attending a church during a visit to Salmon, Idaho back in December. From our conversation I don’t believe she had much to give, but she handed this to me and said, “Merry Christmas!” And I haven’t spoke with her since, but am grateful for the tangible reminder of God’s faithfulness through her.
And in His faithfulness He blew me away through my folks… who I felt did not receive my plans for missions school so well at first… and I just revealed the shame I’m working through… and I owe them so much money… so I would have NEVER considered asking them for financial support…
And I didn’t have to, they offered. My heart had received the blessing it longed for from them and I was floored by a financial blessing that came with it.
And then, a couple I’ve never met but who are close to one of my dear friends in Japan wanted to give to me. And this, turned into a huge blessing.
I just love how my Heavenly Father is so gentle with me. He knows my fear. He knows my shame… I give it all to Him. He takes it and in exchange I receive greater grace. sigh.
James 4:6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.”
Jesus, please keep on humbling me.